Why do we experience shame when someone we love betrays us? Often we want to hide the facts and we feel embarrassed when our betrayal story is told, like we should have known better. We act as if it’s our fault it happened, and we believe deep down that we could have stopped it from happening.
Perhaps our reaction to betrayal has been one of anger, or a desire for revenge, or at least, a strong desire to get even. We act like judges and condemn the betrayer to some form of hell by refusing to talk to or be with the person, all the while we are internalizing the pain.
Any of these responses ends up hurting us, not the betrayer. It’s like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. I had to learn this over the last 18 years of living with HIV. I was diagnosed after taking my fiancé to the hospital where he was told he would die in 3 days because is was living with AIDS. Of course, I too was told it was time to get tested. This was in 1996 and convincing my doctor to even give me the test was a challenge. But I tested positive but my main concern was my fiancé.
He was the man whom I had placed all my trust in, and loved beyond belief was going to die- that’s all I could think of. Until a friend suggested that maybe “D,” as we’ll call him here, should have experienced some symptoms; he should have known. I was encouraged to confront him and the truth really hurt.
He did know, and had been diagnosed 9 years earlier while in a shelter but he denied having it, denied he could give it to me, and just went about life, ignoring his brief encounters with the symptoms of his diagnosis Never did I see him sick, so this news was the biggest shock of my life. It was like someone hit me with a billy club- no way did I expect this man of God (a minister in his church), and the one who had brought me to know the Lord, would selfishly disregard my health. We had begun to have sex when we got engaged and he didn’t want me to put a stop to this pleasure.
Now I had a whole new understanding of duplicity, and betrayal. And I had to admit that I too had been in denial. D was a former drug addict, who had used dirty needles. And if my eyes had been open, if I had listened to my friends, I would not have had unprotected sex with him. Back in the mid 90’s, the stigma of being infected was very high and the education of a white middle class business lady was minimal. Plus I had put “D” on a pedestal. I was in idol worship thinking him a reformed addict who loved me beyond anything. Now what was I going to do with this new understanding of his character that hadn’t been transformed? His love for God had not yet helped him to renew his mind to the point of being truthful, and to tell me he would have risked losing me.
So I wanted to kill him, if the virus didn’t. I was outraged, crushed in my spirit, questioned God’s love and wished I could disappear. I was totally humbled, and I had to listen to God, and get real with my life. What happened next? God told me, through my own inner still small voice, that I was to help take care of him. What? I was so full of bitterness, and anger which I learned is a worse sickness than living with HIV. I love the quote: “Why should we forgive first?” So we can be free first.”
God knew I needed time to heal emotionally and spiritually so for the next three years on and off, I would help him survive. This gave us time to repent, to get Godly counsel, and to take responsibility for my part. I was the one who went to bed with him. I believed love covers a multitude of sin. I knew having sex before marriage wasn’t God’s plan. But I denied these truths applied to our relationship. I never saw this coming as a consequence to our sexual behavioral. But Hosea 4:6 says, “My people will perish for lack of knowledge.” Times have changed and there is more open discussion about STD’s and viruses. But to heal our hearts, we have to tell our stories and bring the secrets out of the closet. I don’t want others to go through the same lessons I’ve had to learn.
I chose to become pro-active and became a speaker in Africa sharing that we too in America, live with HIV and have to walk in faith. And God is not a respecter of persons and His grace is available for everyone, worldwide, no matter what our religion or race. God has given me the ‘grace to forgive, ‘to let go of the victim role, and to move on. But the grace I received had nothing to do with what I did because grace is unmerited favor that God distributes, and there is no way to earn it.
Jesus’s death on the cross gave us all salvation, a new life, and much more. He died for our “transgressions, and inequities,” and that means emotionally, he healed us by His stripes. We don’t have to suffer, to repent over and over for the same thing. He already took all our pain. Do you believe this? Jesus is the only answer we need to believe in His grace and raise up our faith to declare His Word over our lives.
It’s just that simple. I made it way more complicated in the past but fact is, today, I am free. I have no bitterness in my heart, and little to no unforgiveness. I am careful not to pick up offenses, and I am careful about whom I trust. God is totally in charge of my life and I thank Him daily, minute by minute for guiding me to find good friends, and reconcile with family, and for my ministry to women worldwide.
I have to remember that everyone experiences betrayal in life- everyone. And everyone has full access to God’s grace to forgive provided we meet him with our faith, Read Ephesians 2:7-9. No one can or should boast about our own efforts. But I am still working on letting go of a “works mentality.” It is a lifelong process.
It’s healing to describe one’s journey. After 18 years of being diagnosed I still have issues- but who doesn’t? I don’t harbor unforgiveness and my old addiction to denial is dissolved. My road to recovery is less encumbered every day. Praise God.
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